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The Shepherd and the Consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust
cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,
will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered,
"Sure."
The yuppie parked his car,
whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone,
then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet
where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system,
scanned the area, and then opened up a database and
an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it
into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." Said the shepherd.
"That"s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question
I never asked, and you don"t know crap about my business.
Now give me back my dog."
The Most Experienced Engineer
There are these 3 Consultant Engineers inside the car
The first was an Electrical Engineer (EE)
The second was a Mechanical Engineer (ME)
and the third was a Software Engineer (SE)...
While driving, the car makes some awful noises,
then stops dead.
The EE says, "It's got to be the battery or the ignition..."
The ME says, "No, no, surely it's the pistons or the crankshaft."
I would know better!
The SE says, "Wait... this is a very easy problem to solve.
I'm very used to this kind of problem!
Let's all just get out of the car and then get back inside."
Everybody's Looking for You!!
After one year of site work, a supervisor named Banta Singh
went to America for a holiday and was enjoying the sun at
the beach where he stays, when a pretty lady
came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Singh answered, "No,I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No No , Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing."
The Sing slapped him on his face and said,
"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you
and you are sitting over here sun-tanning!"
Going To Heaven?
A hard working construction worker died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him
that new rules were in effect due to the advances
in education on earth.
Everybody now a days must upgrade themselves to be
more competitive and knowledgable. ( sounds familiar?)
In order to gain admittance, a prospective heavenly soul,
must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The man thought for a few minutes and think to himself
"I should have studied harder when I have the time"
then he answered...
1. "The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."and
2. "There are 12 seconds in a year."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the "Today and Tomorrow" answer,
even though it's not the answer I expected.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The man replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
Scared of Drowning!
Three construction worker were stranded on an uninhabited
newly reclaimed island.( somewhere in Tuas )
The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the main island,
and it is starting to get dark.
The first worker was so determined to get home that he tried to swim.
He made it 50 miles, got tired, and eventually drowned.
The two remaining workers was shivering and was so frightened.
Then second worker dashed into the water and tried to swim faster.
He made it 75 miles, but got tired and also drowned too.
This made the third worker very scared.
But the third worker was very determined and thinking that
he just have to be very cautious and decisive.
So he started swimming. He swam 70 miles when suddenly
he feels that he's getting tired,so he decided to swim all the
way back to the island and will try again the next day.
Don't Do this at Home!
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to
feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are about making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out
a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at the woman's
feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A few minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip.
This time, she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"